On Curiosity
Or, how asking questions builds momentum
“Curiosity is the secret to close relationships. Not knowing everything is what leaves room for discovery.”
—Esther Perel
This time of year can be a mess.
Scheduling visits with family, trying to be present at work and home and just managing the bustle of the holiday season stretches our capacity to show up well in life.
Regrettably, our intimate relationships suffer most in a season which should emphasize presence and gratitude, yet is filled with shopping, travel, and too many expectations.
What gives?
Why does this season provoke distance instead of closeness?
Why are we more vulnerable to small slights?
And, most importantly, how do we recover from the stumbles that inevitably show up during this final push toward year’s end without having it carry over into the next?
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Thinking Clearly Again
I believe one of the simplest ways to avoid relational drift is to ask three grounding questions:
What did we do well this past year?
What could we have improved?
Where do we see ourselves in the next?
At first glance, it may sound like a “compliment sandwich,” but these questions do something far more powerful: they invite curiosity instead of mind-reading.
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The Trap of Assumptions
In CBT and REBT, mind-reading is considered a cognitive distortion—the habit of assuming we know what someone else thinks or feels about us.
In relationships, mind-reading doesn’t just distort communication; it often shuts it down entirely.
We tell ourselves, “I already know how this talk will go, so why bother?”
These impressions are usually rooted not in truth, but in our own insecurities.
And during this season—when fatigue is high and emotional reserves are low—these insecurities multiply.
We worry we haven’t done enough.
Or weren’t enough.
Or won’t be enough.
Slowly, quietly, the distortions disrupt the steady heartbeat of love and connection.
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Curiosity as an Act of Care
Relationships are mirrors.
They reveal us to ourselves.
And when we approach one another with curiosity—kindly, gently, without assuming we know the script—we create unlimited room for growth.
Marcus Aurelius wrote in his Meditations: “kindness is invincible when it’s sincere.”
Sincerity strengthens bond.
Turning toward one another, rather than away, strengthens our relationships.
Refusing to engage, assuming the worst, or withdrawing from one another into resentment and bitterness weakens them, exposing our most loved connections and making them vulnerable to added slights and misgivings.
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Returning to What Matters
So in this season of busyness and competing demands, choose to be intentional with the people you love.
Ask real questions.
Listen without preparing your rebuttal.
Let curiosity guide you back to each other.
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Closing Reflection
We cannot control the rush of the season or the pressures pressing in from every direction.
But we can choose how we show up—with curiosity, with intention, and with kindness.
When we turn toward the people we love with open questions instead of assumptions, we reclaim the one freedom that matters most: the freedom to respond well.